I haven’t chatted about my illness in a while and unfortunately, there has been some new developments and hurdles I have had to overcome which I may touch on in another blog post but in this one, I just want to chat about the question that sometimes floats threw my head “Has life even started yet”.
Yes I know that sounds stupid but hear me out. I have had my illness since I was 13 and I am now 21 and though I have had amazing experiences and I value each and everyone I still feel like I am in limbo.
People all around me are going to university, starting jobs, generally moving on with there life and I just feel frozen in time.
I understand I’m getting older and sometimes that terrifies me as I feel like I haven’t achieved what I thought I would by this age.
To be fair I haven’t thought of my future since I was 13 and It was very straightforward, become a dance and drama teacher and help out at my mothers dance school simple and a good plan.
But obviously life doesn’t work out the way you think it will and I had to jump through a few hoops to get to where I now am, but I really don’t know where to go from here.
I still have my passions in life, this blog and writing in general but I’m unsure where I will end up and how I will become a normal adult doing normal adult things.
And it is very hard to think of the realities of my situation when my friends and family are doing things I always assumed I would.
I have been better at not thinking back to that girl who had everything lined up in life and I know I can still move forward but for a while now I have honestly felt frozen.
If someone asked me 2 years ago what are you doing and asked me that again now, the answer would be the same thing and I find that very disheartening.
I really hope that in 2 years time if someone asks me that question I can give an answer that I am proud of and its ok to feel frozen in time, like your watching other peoples lives change and yours is still the same but my goal is to feel like I have moved forward with my life next time I am asked that question or at least acting on moving forward.
But I would just like to say that I do think that feeling this way is normal, a lot of people have plans for there life and illness usually puts all that on hold and sometimes you have to edit that plan but you will move forward just to places you didn’t think you would.
Sorry this blog post was all over the place but I just wanted to get my thoughts out there on this subject, I don’t even know if this will make sense to anyone but me but if you are feeling like life has left you behind please know you are not alone and that is a very natural thing to feel. Thanks for reading Xxx